A View from Stage-Side, Looking Up

The one person who did more to hurt me than anyone else, ever, starts back up saying that she has changed and asking me to give her another chance. 

Somebody kill me now. 

If breathing were something which required a conscious effort, tonight I really don’t think I’d bother. 

Tonight I just don’t give a fuck. 

cupcakesncoke:

Where’s Nyx and Club Patron ? I haven’t seen them on here in a while lol

Nyx and I have had a rough spot lately.  She was fired from the club that we both called home for the last several years, and neither one of us is going to go back there.  She’s been providing childcare/babysitting for another dancer in order to make a little money, and trying to decide where to go from here.  Due to some auto repair costs and the loss of her job, she’s had to cut back on her expenses - so her internet is out for now.  I talked to her tonight, though, and she is trying to keep her spirits up while dealing with all the crap going on in her life right now. 

As for me, my life is getting back to normal after nearly dying from congestive heart failure last month.  I found out in the hospital that I’m a diabetic, so I’ve had to make a total diet/lifestyle change and that’s taking some getting used to.  I’m trying to get used to all the research that has to go into the carb/sugar/calorie info of everything I eat, and trying not to forget any of the eight medicines I have to take every day now.  My real problem, though, is that the depression that I’ve fought, more-or-less my whole life, has pretty much got me in a strangle-hold right now.  All the stress of dealing with my newfound illnesses, and the expenses that go with them, has been more than I’ve felt like dealing with.  Needless to say, I haven’t been to a club since I got out of the hospital.  Even if I felt like it, I don’t have the money to do it right; I respect the ladies too much to take up their time if I can’t treat them right while I’m there. 

I’m sorry I haven’t written anything sooner, but I just haven’t felt like I’ve had anything worthwhile to say that anyone would want to hear.  I do thank those of you who have asked about me, though, and I’m sure that Nyxie feels the same.   I hope to start feeling like writing and posting again sometime soon; until then, please don’t think that I’ve forgotten about you.  I still care, and I still read through your postings nearly every day. 

I love you guys.  I really do.